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He Loves Me…He Loves Me Not…

What To Do When You’re Not Sure if He’s Moved On or Still There… 

Here’s an email (I shortened a little) from a woman who is struggling to understand if her relationship has ended with a man whom she feels is truly meant for her.

Is he working through his issues (and still loves her) or has he moved on?

SHE WRITES:

Still no closure on my relationship and struggling to be happy and stay happy.  I think about him every single day. It could be a song that reminds me of him, a movie, a thought, food or anything. I had a dream the other night about his daughter, and it seemed so real. The very next night I had a dream about him. So even though I try to move on and I am working on sending out good, positive vibes, I am somehow always brought back to thoughts of him, even in my subconscious which I can’t even control!

Sometimes I feel like I’ll get signs that we still have a chance and he just needs a little push and reassurance from me and to be hopeful, but then I think to myself am I being naive? 

I hope not. It’s a very unsettling feeling. I love this man so much. My authentic self loves him and will do anything to make us work and to be happy together. It’s not natural for me to go on with my daily routine like we never had anything. We had an amazing relationship and friendship. I miss him and his daughter and his family and us. I have not heard from him for a month. I feel I have accepted that we are no longer together, but I am constantly reminded of him, and when this happens I either feel like I am a strong, empowered woman and I will be ok, or I feel like I just want to make it work and reach out to him or wish he’d reach out to me.

When he came to my house in December, and he gave me his reason why he couldn’t move forward with me he kept contacting me for 2-3 weeks after. It was so inconsistent that I just remained confused rather than getting any clarity. I try to make sense of everything and why this has happened, but I can’t. I don’t know if it’s a bad idea to reach out to him or his sister even. But I am not very happy right now.

I am just really stuck. I need clarity, closure, something from him. This was a very serious relationship, and I feel like he couldn’t have easily forgotten about me and our two years together. This man chased me for three years before we started dating. When I saw him last he told me he thinks about me every day, and his heart is breaking, and he misses me.  He obviously has internal issues that he has to deal with, but I know that he loves me. And if he can’t be the man that I need him to be, then I need him to tell me that. I know he can be that man, that’s why it’s so hard.

What do you think if I send him an email? I don’t even know what I’d say but I know one thing, I will be authentic. Would love to hear your input. 

MY ANSWER:

I know exactly how you’re feeling…it is so confusing and unsettling to have a man pursue you for so long, only to fall in love with him and then he pulls his love away suddenly when you thought things were going great. It’s so hard to comprehend, especially after the time, love, and friendship you’ve invested in creating what you thought was a future family.  Just know that regardless of what happens, you ARE a strong woman and you will get through this.

So What’s Really Going On Here?

Possibility #1:  The fact that he hasn’t been in contact with you since last month tells me that he may have moved on.  He may have felt “heart broken” when the break up was first happening, but that’s because it can be hard to let go of the familiar at first.  You were together two years…that’s a long time!

Regardless of what’s happening with him, I do know that 99.9% of the time when a man wants something (or someone) he goes for it.

Men pursue what they really want.  

He pursued you for 3 years before he finally won your heart.  He’s definitely got it in him.  His actions (or lack thereof) tells you everything you need to know.  Men really aren’t that complicated.

Can He Do Relationship Right Now?  

Possibility #2:  For whatever reason, it may be that he can’t “do” relationship at the moment.  Guys go through phases in their lives that can sometimes make them not very good relationship material.  

Pursuing a career, education, or a recent break up are examples of times when guys may not be able to do relationship very well.  

It may just be a phase, but then again, it could be a deeper issue.   It could be a personal issue with him that has nothing to do with you at all…and nothing you could fix.

MY BEST ADVICE FOR YOU:

I generally wouldn’t advise you to reach out to a man who isn’t stepping up or hasn’t been in contact with you.

As I said before, a man will pursue his interests.  I know it’s easy to get caught up analyzing and trying to figure out where YOU went wrong or how you might have sent the wrong message;  lamenting that perhaps he never knew how you REALLY felt and so he pulled away.  And so you can’t stop thinking about reaching out one last time to make sure he knows.

But the most common outcome when we do this with a man is it doesn’t make him come back.  It almost always ends in our feeling humiliated and still just as confused as before or even more so.  The harsh reality is that you may never have the closure you need to move on.

Men will often avoid being direct if it’s bad news and they know we’ll be hurt.

If I had a crystal ball, I would show you how beautiful your future looks.  Because what I see is one VERY happy YOU in the arms of a wonderful man who deeply loves and cherishes you.

I know you’re still consumed by thoughts of him, but the BEST thing you could do right now is to stay focused on yourself.  Keep working on YOUR vibe.  (And the way to do this is to concentrate on what you love and what feels good to you!)  Keep pursuing YOUR interests.  Let go of him.   Just choose to let go of him for now and hold onto you.  If he’s yours, he will come back to claim you.  Because if he doesn’t, someone else will!

And let me just say…

What you are experiencing RIGHT NOW is preparing your heart for what you really WANT.  You are finding that you are capable of loving on the deepest of levels.  The love you have experienced with this man will not compare to the love that awaits…

Be truly thankful for the ability to love and to feel so deeply.  For it is a gift!

This I KNOW without a shadow of a doubt!

DO THIS TO ATTRACT THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE:

Visualize the love you want.  What does your perfect, most satisfying relationship look like to you?   Picture a beautiful man standing in front of you gazing into your eyes … any gorgeous man will do.  He steps toward you. He wraps you in his arms and breathes you in.  Feel his arms around you as he whispers words of love and devotion…  What is he saying?   RECEIVE the love he is pouring into you.  Let it fill your heart.

This is how to BREATHE LIFE into the relationship you desire…just by picturing it, feeling it, loving it, embracing it.   You can do this every day…it takes just a few seconds.  And then get back to focusing your energy on all your other goals.   Let me know how this works for you!

Love,

Carrie xoxo

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