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When the Man You Love is Married

Does the Idea of Being Without Him Feel Impossible?
Occasionally, I am asked for help with healing and moving forward after an affair with a married man.  I know from working closely with a number of women who have been in this situation that moving forward can be extremely painful and difficult.

In most cases, they didn’t set out to become involved, much less fall in love with married men. It just happened.

The story is different from one situation to the next, but the common theme I’ve noticed — the common ATTRACTION — is this:  CHEMISTRY.

 

Julia writes:
“I hate being vulnerable. I opened up to Michael precisely because the way he treated me from the beginning was completely different from what I ever had with with my husband. That’s the reason why I put caution to the wind even though I knew he was married… I just wanted to be around him even if it meant just sitting next to him while he was filling his paperwork in at a cafe. Back then I felt really safe to talk about anything and somehow I knew that he would take it. But at some point I started to have those jealous outbursts – like when he texted me a whole story about how he took his kids places and enjoyed it so much. It wasn’t that I minded his kids… but at the back of my mind was the question: “was SHE there? What kind of a relationship do they really have?” And gradually, after perhaps the 9th time, he started closing up I think, which made me even more desperate and unhappy. And now, because of the jealousy I broke up with him but it’s making me just more miserable with every day there is no text from him. I miss the lovemaking so much and I can’t even think about other guys! I’m closed down like a mushroom. Not to mention that it’s driving me crazy to think he just put me aside like I never mattered anything to him.

What do I do? If I can just ask you one thing today, it would be what to do when I start missing him so much it physically hurts.”

MY ANSWER:

Julia,

I totally get that you have become very fond of those feelings and the closeness you experienced with Michael, but you have to wake up and realize that Michael belongs to another woman — his wife.

Don’t let yourself be deceived by his words and affection. Michael may have feelings for you, but the reality is he is betraying his wife. And if he is capable of doing that to his wife (whom he has chosen not to leave, by the way), then he is certainly capable of doing that to you.

And simply knowing that, will you ever truly be able to trust him?

Without TRUST there is nothing there for you.

…nothing worth having…only fear and insecurity is what’s there for you with this man.

The Difference Between CHEMISTRY and REAL LOVE

So you experienced intimacy for a FLEETING moment… and that’s wonderful! I want you to remember that FEELING.

I want you to CELEBRATE that feeling…CHERISH it because it is truly a treasure.

And that feeling is YOUR feeling. It does not belong to Michael simply because he was there with you while you were feeling it. It belongs to you.

That feeling happened BECAUSE OF YOU, not Michael.

YOU were the one who opened yourself up in the presence of another human being and CHOSE to experience YOURSELF in that way.

It really had nothing to do with Michael and everything to do with YOU.

Michael was actually FACILITATING you. He was holding the space for you to experience yourself in that way.

And now that you HAVE experienced that incredible, amazing feeling, you KNOW you want to feel that again.

But you will not experience that with Michael. He is not yours. He was only there to awaken you.

It is so important that you realize this — that you OWN this — so that you can move forward.

Michael ISN’T responsible for making you feel what you felt.

YOU FELT what you felt because you OPENED yourself up in the moment.

You FOLLOWED your feelings with COURAGE…And THAT was the PASSIONATE YOU standing for you. CLAIMING those GOOD THINGS you DESERVE…FOR YOU!

That is what it looks like when we LOVE ourselves enough to be VULNERABLE and take a chance!

That is what it’s like when we TRUST that what we want is what we DESERVE.

And I know what you’re thinking…
“But I want MICHAEL!!! And no one else will do!”

And to this I say…

No. You. Don’t.

You want to FEEL the way you FELT when you experienced yourself being OPEN with a man in a way you weren’t used to…in a way that FELT GOOD.

And Michael was merely the FACILITATOR. None of that would have happened without YOUR full participation.

Don’t fall into the trap of confusing real love with chemistry.

“Chemistry” is the euphoria — the DRUG — that intoxicates us whe we are swept up in a moment of pleasure with someone we “click” with sexually.

When you find a man who is actually available and able to do relationship with you in a healthy way and you can BE with him this way….

OPEN to recieving his love…
OPEN to experiencing yourself intimately with HIM…

THEN you will experience this FEELING that you felt in a LASTING love relationship.

So then….Tell me again….What is it that you WANT?

Love, Carrie xoxo

P.S. If this is something you can relate to and you would like my help moving forward and healing, please don’t hesitate to contact me by email or schedule a coaching session with me.

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